There Lived An Elephant

Once Upon A Time...

Nothing happened.

The End.

Wait, you want more?  Um...

Ok, so Once upon a time there lived an elephant.

And nothing happened.

The End.

Ugh, really?

Fine.

Once upon a blah blah blah, there was this elephant who lived in the faraway land of Australia-

What do you mean, there aren't any elephants in Australia?  That's where all the weird shit is, isn't it-  Well, how the hell would you know, smartass?

Fine, the elephant's from India.  Happy?

So.  This elephant.  In India.  He lived there.

And nothing happened.

The End.

That is too a real story.

You have got to be kidding me.

Ok.  Once, time, elephant, India.  So he's walking around, thinking elephanty-thoughts-

How the hell should I know?  He's an elephant, and I'm not psychic!

So he's walking, and he meets this mouse.  And even though elephants are supposed to be scared of mice, the two become great friends.

The End.

Because it's a long story and I don't feel like getting into it, that's why.

So the elephant meets the mouse and gets scared.  But then the mouse says-

Hey.  Do you want to tell the story?

That's what I thought.

-the mouse says, "Why are you so scared?  You're so big and I'm so small, what could I possibly do to you?  You could kill me in an instant!"  And the elephant says, "It's because you're so small that I'm scared.  You could sneak up and kill me, and I would never see it coming!"  So the mouse says, "Then why aren't you scared of other small creatures, like spiders or ants?"  At that, the elephant starts freaking out.  "WHAT?" the elephant squealed, like a scared little girl.  "There are smaller animals?  Oh my God, I'm in danger every second of every day!"  You see, the elephant has terrible eyesight, right, so the smallest thing he can see is a mouse.  So the elephant is freaking out, and the mouse is kinda in danger of being trampled.  The mouse rolls his eyes, but this particular mouse is ridiculously kind-hearted, so he says, "I'll tell you what.  How about I walk with you wherever you go, and look out for all the dangerous small animals that you can't see."  The elephant thinks about it, but then he finds the flaw.  "What about you?" he asks suspiciously.  "Won't you just sneak up on me as well?"  "Of course not!" the mouse says.  "I'm your friend, and friends don't do that kind of thing."  The elephant realizes the mouse is right, that he was being silly.  So he agrees, and the two walk off into the sunset as best friends forever.

And the next day, the elephant is found murdered by his so-called best friend.  Stabbed in the back, and the poor bastard never saw it coming.

Ha!  Just kidding.

No, really, it was a joke.

Really.

It was.

Would you stop crying already?

The elephant and the mouse walk off into the sunset as best friends forever.  And no one was murdered.  Never in the history of the world.  And they all lived happily ever after.

And nothing happened.

The End.

Hell no, I am not telling that story again.  Do you think I even remember how it went?

Smartass.

Here's the original version of the story, which I wrote/drew for the Art House Co-op Fiction Project.  I never finished the project, but I liked this piece: